Monday, October 22, 2012

The Naked Truth

It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. The room is aglow from the blue light of the tv. Infomercials blare from every channel promising to make me young, rich, skinny, beautiful, successful, and smart. But the ones that always get me are the weight-loss ads. Can you really take a pill that acts like a sponge in your stomach or sprinkle powder on your food to eat less? Being overweight (and talking about being overweight) has become a way of life and the ads promise me and an easy (albeit not cheap) fix.

As I stare blankly into the screen, my mind is bogged down in the present. I'm jobless, homeless (living on the couches and spare beds of friends), disabled, broke, miserable and 60 pounds overweight. I take a handful of pills every day. Pills for depression, pills for sleeping, pills for anxiety, pills for pain, allergies, stomach, high blood pressure...


In my mind there is one thing that will make everything else seem better - to be THIN. Being fat has become part of my identity and although I know I'll one day have a job, get my own place, and have money in the bank, I will still be the same chunky girl with the large flabby tummy, full face, and cottage cheese thighs.


I have been that girl since college, and though I have had "moments" of thinness, I'm at my all time high (or low as I see it). My petite 5'3" frame has blown up to 182 pounds exacerbating my back and knee injuries. I have to walk with a cane, generally have one or both knees girded firmly in braces, and complain of constant pain. When your friends get you a giant pill box organizer and a real body bag for your 40th birthday you have to ask yourself - is this how it's going to end for me?

This is my naked truth and the story of my journey back to health. I hope you will join me.


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